unveilingthebeautywithin

Back in August i made a goal to weigh 174 by Christmas.. honestly i NEVER thought it would happen.  I really didnt think i could lose weight.  I always lose a few pounds and gain them back.  By Christmas I had gotten down to 181.  That in itself was a miracle!!!!  Although i didnt hit my goal i was still almost out of the 80’s!  Next week i WILL get through my mini goal of 174!  This is so surreal.. it really is.  I don’t really believe the scale everyday and i see 17 something.  I am in denial that i have actually accomplished something.  I am always afraid that tomorrow ill get back on the scale and i will be over 200 again.  I am really trying to embrace this but i still struggle with believeing in myself.  I don’t know why.. i think i HAVE proved to myself that i can do it and i am worth it!  It is just going to take a little adjusting and letting myself know its ok to let go of whatever i am holding onto.  A lot of the weight i gained was heartbreak of my husband leaving for Iraq and almost not being there for the birth of our son.  I was devestated.  I still have not let go of the pain and heartache i went though.  I don’t think i will ever be able to completely let go.  Every pound lost i lose the hatred toward myself, and the heartbreak that i felt piece by piece.  That is just.. the best feeling in the world.

30 POUNDS DOWN!!!!!!!!!  35 left to go until my goal!!!!!

..and i have NEVER looked back!!!!!!  That number made me shutter and look at myself with disgust.  I still remember after i had my son weighing for the first time and i was 217.  I already felt crappy enough because of just having a baby.. i had never weighed over 200 until i got pregnant.  Today when i weighed in at 176 it really feels wierd.  I never thought this was possible and i thought that i would forever be miserable with myself.  WOW 24 pounds since i have weighed in at 200 or more.  I have got to say that it feels GREAT!!!  Don’t give up because we can do this!!!!  Size 10 here i come!!!  

Pound that is!!!  WHOO HOOOOO!!!!!  176!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  2 away from my mini goal!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 I have been so up and down with my calories.. finally yesterday i had about 1500.  I had been eating 1800-1900 a day for a week!!!!  Today i am focused and am not going to go over!  I havent been getting much sleep and when im tired i get lazy.  No workouts in the last week.  I am still feeling lethargic.. there is major ice coming down right now and i think its just making me want to be more lazy!!  I just want to sit on the couch, watch a movie, and do nothing!!!  Yesterday my husband and my brother were both sick so i didnt get my usual Monday to myself.  Now today there is no school so my brothers are here and both my parents are here.  I may go crazy if tomorrow is another snow day.  I need to run errands but i can’t leave the house because of the ice!  I am getting claustrophobic.  This is my excuse although it may be lame.. i need some space.

My little guy doing what he likes best.  Playing with cars!  Once he sees the camera he makes this face!!

Eh i just about hate every picture of me.  Maybe i won’t feel that way once i hit my goal weight!!! :oD

Here is a better updated one then my 181 picture. 

Been yo-yoing this week with calories.  One day ill be at 1600 the next 1900 the next 1400.  No workouts.  I plan on doing at least my ab workout tonight.  Hopefully i will see good results or at least a maintain next week!  With how i have been eating i will be happy with a maintain!

p.s. My stomach isnt as flat as it looks.. i am still struggling to get rid of my baby belly.  It has gone down a lot though!!  My new higher waisted size 12 jeans hold it all it!!  Hehe. :oD

Years… it’s have taken YEARS to get to the place I am now.  I do question myself often of why the heck i put myself off that long.  I was thinking about it today and here is what i came up with.  I have been hating myself and saying terrible things in my head all this time.  I had to hit that low point so many times where i would look at myself in the mirror and cry.  I just wasnt good enough anymore, not pretty enough.  I didnt feel good enough for my husband.  I have got to say that is the worst feeling in the world.  To not feel wanted.. everyone want’s and need’s to feel wanted.  You see i did all of this to myself.  The only comments i ever heard from anyone was the question is i was pregnant or not.  My husband has never said a word.  I don’t understand where all that hate and negativity came from.  Why would i do that to myself?  I honestly hated myself.  Something.. and i wish i could say what finally clicked.  I had to get past all the hate towards myself and flip that around and start saying YOU CAN DO THIS!  YOU ARE WORTH IT!  And actually mean it.  I have starting dieting and exercising about a million times.  I always gave up though.. i never believed enough in myself.  Once again last August i was starting up AGAIN!  The day i was feeling all energized and ready to lose this weight my husband and I went out jogging and I broke my ankle!!!!  Something in me still wasnt ready to give up.  I had found this site so i stayed active at least with the dieting.  I have lost 21 pounds since i found this site!!!!  I have to say it’s the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.  THANK YOU BUDDYSLIM!!!!!  I have been down in the dumps a little lately and i know TOM isnt helping with that.. I know i will push through.  I no longer beat myself up over anything.  I finally stopped being so dang hard on me.  One slip up doesent mean i should hate myself again.  I have finally found just the right place to be… happy with me no matter what shape or size.

Wow that was incredibly nice to say and even made me cry.

Last week i was struggling to eat enough calories then something happened and now i just don’t want to stop eating!!!  The last 3 days i have gone over my calories.  I have been working out to try and even it out but i always eat all those calories first, feel guilty, then kill myself doing a workout.  Luckily today when i weighed in the scale said i am maintaining!!  I am SO happy for a maintain!  I got myself to the gym today.  Most days i just do workout videos at home.  I feel good though.. refreshed actually!  I know myself and for some reason i just can’t stay on track consistantly.  Ill do great for a few weeks then not do so great for a week.  I expected it and it happened.. i wasnt sleeping very well, feeling stressed out, then the overeating kicked in.  I wish there was a way to kick all my worries and stress in the butt.  I have been very tempted to slip up.. like eat an entire banana split slip up!!  Haha.  I havent though.  :::::sigh:::::  I know i can do this.. it just takes a few days to pick myself up again.  Even today while i was running at the gym i just kept smiling to myself.  1: because i am actually running (part of my reasoning for being so happy about this is because this means my broken ankle is healed)!!!!!  2: because i am in the 170’s!!!!!!!!!!!!  3:because i fit into size 12 jeans!!!!!!!!!!!!  4: because i tried dresses on yesterday for my sisters wedding and i thought i actually looked decent!!!  Not quite there but the diffrence from when i wore a nice dress last is like black and white!!!!!!!! 

Usually when i am feeling this way i just eat, eat, and then eat some more.  This time around I’m not eating enough.  I am terrified of gaining the weight back i have lost.  I have been trying, fighting, and wanting to lose this lousy weight for years. 

I think ill go have a snack.. i have been hungry for awhile now.  Goal for the day and even tomorrow while im at work:  Eat when hungry, don’t ignore it or put it off until later.

I went to try pants on today because all of mine are way to big!  I now fit perfectly into a size 12!!!!!  YAYYY!!  I am hoping to be a size 10 by my sisters wedding in the end of April so i can buy a size 10 dress.  The last time i was a size 12 was 4 years ago!!

 I have had the longest day ever and am wiped.. ill be back on tomorrow to read blogs!!