unveilingthebeautywithin

I have been on and off here but keep getting distracted.  There are 6 extra people at my house so ill start to read a blog then walk away for what is supposed to be a minute then it turns into a few hours!!  They will all be gone by Sunday so i will be back to my normal blog reading at one time self then!  Haha.  Today i bought a MEDIUM shirt!!!  I have several other items of clothing that is the same brand in Large so that was pretty exciting!!!  I am maintaining at 181 which was my goal.  Tomorrow and the next day are Christmas all over for me so hopefully i can stay somewhat on track!  Today i did good and stayed at 1315 calories, no workout.  Yesterday i did good and ended the day at 1400 also no workout.  YAY!  I’m just glad i havent gained and that i am kinda sticking with my weight loss routine.  I havent worked out since Friday.  I have been crazy busy with all these kiddos running around and my sisters here.  Ill get back to it for sure next week. 

Sorry girlys if im ignoring you.  Ill be back soon!

..and im struggling to stay on track.  I keep eating candy and going way over on my calories.  I havent worked out much either.  On the 26th my husband and I went to the gym and i got a really good workout.  I havent worked out since and have still been eating crap.  My sister, brother in law, niece, and nephews all get here at about 1am tonight.  My younger sister get’s here on Tuesday and then we are having Christmas Eve and Christmas all over again.  ACKK.  This is hard.  I havent been pigging out or anything, just eating a lot of high calorie foods.  I am soo ready for things to get back to normal and all the holidays to be over with.  I am looking forward to having 2 of my sisters here though.  That will be nice.  Well, hopefully i don’t totally screw up today like i have almost every day since Christmas Eve. 

Ever since i had my son almost 2 years ago i was constantly getting the “when are you due” questions having to come back saying that i was NOT pregnant.  Every time this would happen i would feel worse, and worse about myself.  The last time this was said to me was back in April.  This time i lied.. i said that i had “just” had a baby.  I was so humiliated and was tired of feeling so embarressed and then the person asking feeling bad.  Starting May i decided i was going to do it this time.  I lost about 10 pounds right away!!  Gained a few back and stayed there until August.  I once again decided that i was going to do it so my husband and I went out jogging and i broke my ankle!  I was going to fast and my foot fell sidways into a bike tire dried mud rut.  I still wasnt giving up because i know that i can’t lose without dieting.  Luckily i found this site and kept going even though i couldnt even walk!  So far from the point i found this site i have lost 17 pounds!!!  I have never lost 17 pounds EVER!  I just want to say thank you to all my Buddies for helping me through those 17 pounds!  I can’t wait to get through the next 41!  The point of saying all of this is that i made a million excuses, and even lied to cover up my weight gain.  I still remember that day and felt terrible about myself.  It has taken a very long time to dig myself out but im doing it and I’m not giving up! 

I have been running behind on reading blogs, working out but not as much, eating more.  Haha that’s not a good combination.  I am maintaining… better then gaining.  Still disappointing though.  The next week and a half is going to be full of celebrating because i am having 2 Christmases spaced a week apart!  I’m going to have to be very carful and keep up the workouts!  Last night i was feeling very guilty for eating around 1700 calories and not working out.  Around midnight when i was about to get into bed i got a sudden surge of energy.  So i grabbed my zune and blasted it and kicked my own butt for about 20 minutes.  I listened to really fast songs and tried to keep up with the beat.  I woke up in pain.  Hehe.  It made me feel a little better for eating that many calories though.  I also woke up remembering that i had a dream that i met a lot of my buddies on here.  That was strange… Evertime i get an email that someone commented on a blog or posted a booster note i get all excited!  I love this place!!!  It really does keep me motivated.

1365.. i think!  Hahaha.  I ate a few thing’s that im not positive on how many cal’s were in it.  Dinner last night i had homemade pizza with homemade wheat crust.  I’m just guessing on that also.  I got my ab workout in plus a lot of squats and several other things that are in my workout video.  Today i plan on actually watching it and not winging it!  It was midnight so i just did a quick 20 minute thing.

This last week has been rough!!  Life is just hard right now, which i know that’s true for a lot of you.  I didnt lose any weight last week which was disappointing.  I have slowly been letting myself slip, then slip a little more.  NO MORE!!  Christmas is an exception.  I will be careful and watch portions like crazy!  I can’t begin to tell you all how great i feel having lost 24 pounds!  Somedays i actually think i look kindof thin!  That is such a great feeling.  It is so worth it… all of this is SO worth it!  When i look back at pictures, like yesterday i was trying to find a good before picture, i think i have forgotten already how bad i felt.  I tried to block it out, and with every pound i lost i let go of that feeling.  I HATED feeling so miserable and embarressed.  I never wanted to go anywhere that i would see people that knew me when i weighed a lot less.  I hated myself… i feel like i am finally starting to get me back and i so desperatly want to be happy again.  Buddies, don’t give up, you can do this for you, it is worth it, YOU are worth it, the feeling is incredible.  JUST DO IT!!!!!!  

I LOVE chocolate!  So tonight i made lots of yummy stuff and then ate lot’s of yummy stuff!!!  Food wise i did great, but the chocolate killed me!!!  I don’t even know how much i ate.  I can’t even count and figure out how many calories i had today!  Stink.  I need to do a killer workout and burn some of it off.  I might tonight even though it’s already 11pm.  I always think the sooner i work out after i eat something i shouldnt the better.  Maybe it wont have time to turn into fat!  Haha.  I don’t really know if that’s true or not.

Just in case anyone wonders what exactly i made then ate.  Chocolate covered marshmallows rolled in crushed graham crackers (s’mores on a stick).  Pretzels with chocolate and mm’s so they looked like reindeer, and chocolate covered cherries.  The marshmallows are only 25 cal a piece (without the chocolate), cherries are 10 cal a piece (also without the chocolate), and i don’t remember the pretzels.  It was the chocolate that put me over the edge im sure!!!

I decided to up my calories by just a little.  I have just been working out a lot and have been so hungry.  I’m just testing this out to see what works for me.  I ended yesterday around 1550.  So far today im doing great at 680!  It’s nice to have a little more freedom with my eating and not starve until dinner because i only have enough calories left to eat it and that’s all.  Almost everyday this last week i have been soo sore i could barely sit.  I’m giving myself a break today but plan on doing a workout tomorrow.  Tonight my family is going to a friends house for dinner, and to make lot’s of holiday treats!!  I am making things that are a little more safe so it’s ok if i have a few.  I love doing thing’s like this around the holiday’s but usually eat a ton of it.  Thing’s will be much diffrent this year!!!  I am SO looking forward to Christmas!  Christmas Eve we are going over to a friend’s house, Christmas Day will be at my in laws, then all my family will get in town the week of New Years so we are having a late Christmas with them.  Christmas Eve on New Years Eve, and Christmas Day on New Year’s.  Fun, fun!!  I can’t wait to see my sister’s again! :oD

Check out the picture of me and my cutie!

I really appreciate all the comments left on my last two blogs.  I got a lot of great advice!  I was feeling VERY discouraged this morning.  Not quite to the point of giving up.. i have been working at this to hard to give up!!  Today i have had 1800 calories.  Waaay to many of course.  I planned on eating when im hungry today and was doing so so but then dinner threw me over the edge.  I had planned on making something healthy but then ended up picking up something before we had to drive 30 minutes to go pick up my son at Grandma’s.  It’s fine and im not going to beat myself up about it.  I have been doing good, so it’s ok to allow myself a dinner out now and then.  We got fast food and i only ordered a burger.  No fries, and drank water so that helped a lot.  I think ill be ok for the rest of the night and if not ill snack on some smart pop popcorn, a pear, or rice cakes.  I need to get more veggies in me.  I usually only eat veggies at dinner and make the pile as big as my meat portion.  I really need to find a good balance on how much i should eat on the day’s i work out and i think i will allow more calories especially if im feeling hungry.  Ill drink water first and wait to see if that helps and if not ill eat something light.  I see the trainer i used to work out with is still up at the gym sometimes so maybe i can catch her and discuss the problems im having.  I still have my workout to do today, ive been gone all day running errands.  Tomorrow im starting fresh because i know that im not stuck this way, there is an answer, and i AM going to find it!!  I may not hit 179 by Christmas but i am still proud of how far i have come. 

Me at 181.  Not the greatest picture of me.  My husband took it sitting down so you can see the chin that i would like to get rid of.  Haha.

I feel like i shouldnt, but i do.  I am hungry all throughout the day, even an hour after i eat a meal.  Going to bed every night i am hungry!!!!  I am so strict with my calories that i just don’t let myself have anything.  Is this wrong???  In the past i have always had something to eat when im hungry.  I didnt want my body to go into starvation mode.  But now is that what im doing?????