unveilingthebeautywithin

This morning i did not want to go to the gym.  Then i weighed myself and it said 186!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I cant remember that last time i weighed that much… sometime before i got pregnant with my son!  I was very excited to see that number but was still iffy about going to the gym.  I had to almost stop thinking all together.  Don’t think, just do, don’t think, just do, don’t think, just DO!  So i DID!  I am glad that i went.. i always feel so good after working out and can feel myself getting stronger.   

 On Wednesday i went to the gym with my husband.  All we did was work triceps, and chest for 45 minutes.  I kept telling him maybe i should go do some cardio or something.  He told me that no the 45 minutes of other stuff was enough.  Is that true???  I just always thought when you are trying to lose weight to do a lot of cardio.  Does anyone know????   

My good friend B (Bonnie.. i call her B) has been trying to have a baby for years.  Yes she is only 24 but her husband is 49.  Today she found out that she has now lost her 5th baby.  My heart just aches for her.. she has a life that i often envy.. great job, thin, wonderful, kind, sweet husband, nice house, financial stability, etc, etc, etc.  She is so broken, and really makes me wonder when will what we have in life ever be enough?  I have struggled so much financially, and have had many other hardships.  Then i find out that B actually envys me.  WHAT?  She so desperatly wants to have a child with her husband and because he is so much older then her they want to make sure he is around for a good portion of the childs life.  I never thought of my life as one that someone else would want, when really i am extremely lucky.  I have my husband and son.  When to her, that is IT.  That’s all she wants and she would be happy, when i think if i had this, or that, THEN i would be happy.  But when is it ever going to be enough?  Is someone who really has everything truly happy?

 Well, that’s just what i have been thinking about.  I so desperatly want to be happy and think that having a house, and being thin is everything.  Then what if i get those things and im not happy?  I think so many people just need to be content with what they have and be thankful for it.  There are so many people out there hurting, and have it worse then we could ever imagine.

My good friend Sarah, Me, and B acting crazy like we always do.

The only reason i was picking up one foot after the other and placing them in front of eachother was because i didnt want to fall flat on my face.  It was just one of those days at the gym when i felt like i had been on the treadmill long enough and looked down at the time and i had only been on there for 6 MINUTES!!  I was good and stayed on for a total of 34 minutes because i wanted to walk 2 miles.  I always up the incline and up my speed to burn more calories, but 34 minutes seems like a long time to walk 2 miles.  I dunno… im not good on knowing what good time is.  After the treadmill i did squats, weights, and some ab workouts.  Ahhh it feels good working out the soreness from yesterday.

I am also excited to watch The Biggest Loser tonight! 

AHHHH what the heck is wrong with me? I feel like a piece of poo.  I say i want this, in my head i want this, but my actions are proving otherwise.  I have been good going to the gym, and am thinking about going 4 times a week instead of 3.  I also want to start going to some classes, but am afraid that my ankle isnt healed enough to do something really challenging.  I love this site, and truly believe that i wouldnt even be going to the gym or keeping it in my head that this is what’s best for me if i werent on here every day.  It is so hard for me to understand why this has to be so difficult.  I am in a constant battle with myself.  I have a hard time with change..  I don’t take to it easily i guess.  It is hard to let old and bad habits die.  I wish there was a way to make them suddenly disappear.  I am proud of myself for sticking with the gym, but my eating habits are terrible.  I do fine with breakfast and lunch, but once that mid afternoon snack attack arrives, everything just seems to go down the drain.  It’s like the rest of the night before and after dinner i am just snacking.  I know for a fact that my weight loss comes from dieting, not just working out.  For 10 months while my husband was gone in Iraq i worked out religiously, with a trainer for a lot of that time also.  I didnt lose a pound.  My mind was so filled with anxiety, worry, and stress, im surprised i didnt eat myself to death.  I ate and ate, but also worked out like crazy.  I was probably just keeping the weight off that i would have gained from eating so much.  When my husband got home, and i stopped eating so much, i started dieting again but not working out.  I did really great and lost almost 15 pounds!  So here i am, not really dieting, but working out, and not losing a pound.  Why can’t i ever put them together??

Sometimes i really wonder… WHAT HAPPENED?  How did i get here?  This picture was taken a few weeks before i graduated from highschool May of 2003.  That’s the person i used to be.. front row, middle.   

I am already NOT wanting to go.  I am thinking waaay to much about it.  I tried my hardest to keep my stress eating under control today.  It seems like the whole last week has been a little rough.  Soon, soon, soon.. i know thing’s will get better.  Tomorrow i am going to start fresh and strong and get my booty to the gym!!

I went to the gym this morning.  I can’t think much about going while i am feeding my son breakfast and getting us both ready to go.  If i do i come up with about a million excuses not to go.  So my new policy is: don’t think-just DO!  It’s nice to feel proud of myself again. :oD 

I forgot what sore feels like.. YEOUCH!  for some reason i always sit on my feet.  All of today everytime i sat down i was painfully reminded about my workout yesterday!  I am SO sore and i keep accidentlly stretching my legs (i know it’s good to stretch but it’s not fun when i do it accidentlly)!  At the gym i felt like i did pretty whimpy compared to how well i was doing earlyier this year working out with a trainer.  I know it will just take time to get back to where i was.  I am going first thing in the morning though!!  To me: sore=success. 

Stress eating——i just dont get it.  WHY ME??  I hate that i am a stress eater.  I must, i must beat this.  I know i am strong enough to beat this.  It always gets me when i am feeling down and just want to give up.  Today i was going crazy.  More then an hour went by of resisting.. but i finally broke.  Not terribly.. but one twinkie and mini almond joy later, i felt like a failure.  I wish i could somehow get rid of that negative voice that pops up every now and then.  Next time, i WILL resist, period, because i want this.  I want this for me, i want to not feel gross when i look in the mirror, and feel beautiful again.  I want to feel beautiful for my husband.  I want to be healthy for my son.  I don’t like trying on a million things before i leave the house hoping that something will miraculously make me like 50 pounds lighter.  I truly, desperately want this. 

Today i went to the gym for the first time in MONTHS!  I do have a good excuse.. but also lame excuses.  I broke my ankle two months ago so obviously that’s why i hadent been going.  A few weeks ago when i finished Physical Therapy i was told that i could slowly start working out again at whatever pace i felt comfortable at.  Well i guess i was comfortable with not working out at all!  I was wanting to walk this morning outside but it’s raining like crazy, so i forced myself to go and now i feel GREAT!  Yes working out makes me tired but it also feels so refreshing.  I forgot how good it feels to sweat a little and know you are taking a step in the right direction.  I for one am proud of myself today… i havent been able to say that in a looong time! :oD

I did treadmill, eliptical, and some squats and lunges (barely any lunges because it made my ankle hurt).  I know it’s not much, but it is a start!

Throwing pumpkin inerds at my husband because i love him so much :oD,

our very cool pumpkin carving,

the cutest boy in the entire world,

and our son Dillon at the Pumpkin Patch!

Last weekend we went out to the Pumpkin Patch!  I love spending time with my little family!

Now i am going to go outside, take a very long walk, and enjoy this incredible weather!  I hope everyone has a great day!

I have such a hard time getting around this.. and the thing is while i am eating i just feel worse because i am so aware of what i am doing.  I have had several suggestions about what to do in it’s place like going to take a walk, get on Buddyslim, etc. 

I am still battleing with it.. and it keeps winning.

“Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but only empties today of its strength”.